I'm working on a new project this week, and we're doing 12 hour shifts, 6 days a week. Not quite as bad as I thought it would be (yet, anyway), but still pretty exhausting. I get home, do something else for two hours, then go to bed. Then up again for more work. I feel like I'm doing nothing but sleep and work. I really hope that it won't be like this for more than this week and the next. If I have no free time for myself, I'm going to go nuts. Call me crazy, but these two hours after I get home are not enough.
It seems I should stop caring about people and trying to help them. All it seems to accomplish is to piss them off and alienate them. This is seriously bothering me. Fuck!!
What am I, chopped liver? American beer? You care about me, try and help me, and it works, you morose little Finn.
ReplyDelete*whaps Sami*
You do *not* alienate broken people by trying to help them. They just tell you they're alienated because they can't get their silly broken heads around the idea that someone actually cares. They don't care about themselves so feel they don't deserve caring from others.
This attitude has the viscious effect of causing the broken folks to say stupid shit like,
"look, I didn't ask you to care about me"
"it's none of your business if I'm not ok. Leave me alone"
"I don't want you to know me if my pain is going to cause you stress"
Which, of course, makes you all pissed off because *duh* you like this person, and want to help them. What they don't get (and you will never be able to adequately explain) is *why* you like them, and you can't convince someone into better self esteem.
It sucks. I've been that broken. Hell, I've been brokenner than that. The only thing that unbreaks people is a greater understanding of and compassion towards themselves. I'm doing it with therapy. Am I still broken? Umn....yes. Yes I am. Are the pieces starting to come together? Yes, yes they are. I'm a fuckton (equal to two 2.39 metric fuquetonnes) better than I was, and I'll keep getting better(er).
Jesus-tapdancing-Christ! I used to weep in terror at the thought of grocery shopping! It used to be an accomplished day if I showered, or left the house.
Things are ok. Your friends will be ok...or not. You can't control that about them. I'm sure they do appreciate you, though, even if there are stupid otherthings getting in the way of their ability to relate.
I love you as my other self. If this ain't an ok consolation prize, I'll toss in an addendum: you are one of the most marvelous people I know. I am constantly in awe of your ability to *do*. You are active, you are gracious, you speak Finnish. You do not hide from your flaws or your hurts but neither do you allow them to dictate who you are. You are not captive to nor ignorant of the things that would strive to bring you down.
Not that you ain't a whiny bitch, but you know that about yourself, and choose to whine to those of us who'll listen to your dumb self. Besides, look at this comment. I talk way the fuck too much. ;)
Mazeltov, my friend, what a long strange trip it's been.